Collins created the topic: Finding balance to the toxic world of pain
Was a Soldier and Fireman, anyway;
I had a 30 tonne tree fall on my head, which caused Chronic Pain in my Neck, Upper Back and left shoulder.
It was a CP / TBI injury but I incurred C-PTSD as well from subsequent events that are simply too traumatic too discuss
One of the problems with C-PTSD is that I am self destructive without knowing / realising or even being aware of it and this means I have been desperate for help but it has also subsequently has resulted in me being expelled/ sacked or kicked out of almost every forum or group (which can be depressing at best -LOL). I think I was almost expelled from here about a year ago and the depression of why / how / what for, took its toll to the point, I stopped coming here altogether, but being diagnosed with C-PTSD since gives me an understanding now of what was happening (I bring trouble upon myself unknowingly)
But in short, being desperate for help, I have been open to suggestive inducement and have had almost every mental illness you can think of in an attempt to differentiate between reality and the suggestion. I have been through Depression, Panic and Anxiety Attacks, CRPS, ADD, PTSD (which turned into C-PTSD) and even Drug Addiction just to name a few - and having come out the side - I am able to tell the difference (what doesn't kill you apparently makes you stronger)
E.g. Being in Chronic Pain and then being so desperate for help and suddenly one Doctor tells you that you have CRPS means I have then developed full blown CRPS only to realise later when it subsides that I don't have CRPS - I just have Chronic Pain -LOL
Of course - confusion from CP/TBI and C-PTSD hasn't helped but complicated an already complex situation but along the journey I have gotten stronger from that which did not kill me, I no longer have Panic and Anxiety attacks because I simply don't care about living anymore (Is that a good thing?), to the point I would have already committed suicide if it wasn't for my family.
Seems my families long term suffering and there future security is what keeps me in this world and focussed on legal action in order to seek compensation for their future (I think that's good thing?)
Pain is toxic, there is an impossible balance between the decision to show pain and to hide pain, (Its easy to fake pain when you don't have it but its much harder trying to hide pain when its excruciating) just like its an impossible balance to get the medication of painkillers right (you will always have too much or too little - there will never be just the right amount - its an ongoing battle). Likewise being around your family is toxic in itself and you can never stay around for too long or stay away for too long without complete upheaval / divorce or abandonment. E.g. one of the best ways to get through excruciating pain is asking for your wife to hold your hand, but too much means you can send insecure signals or toxicity to your partner, not enough means you struggle and need a dog or teddy bear for the replacement.
My family is assimilating the appearance of my conditions over the long term:
E.g. My wife has severe depression from seeing me afflicted and whilst she bravely tries to fight this off in order not to affect me - its is inevitable that she breaks down continuously. One of my sons is extremely socially introverted and takes on depression (and a lack of confidence every now and then as well as the back pain). My other son has ADD (from the PTSD - which is similar in appearance) and has developed CRPS and Anxiety (from when I was like that)
I have thought about leaving them to save them (even though that is difficult for me needing a carer) from this ongoing and former psychological torture but this would fracture the family unit more (they love me and all advice given so far is not to do this?) and it would also place more financial stress upon them (as if its not devastating enough) Even with time out on all sides (separate holidays for each person) this battle remains the same.
Obviously group and individual therapy is ongoing but here is my problem and the reason for this disjointed confusing post (and my temporary return):
What should I do, What can I do and what do you do - to prevent this never ending imbalance of toxicity of pain (psychological and physical) and assimilation of all these numerous and disastrous conditions onto others?
Any thoughts, ideas or guidance is appreciated on this multi complex complicated ongoing battle.
Sorry for the disjointed, confusing and lengthy post - thanks for taking the time to read this
P.S Picture/quote I made up of (how I feel from having CP/
2 years 5 months ago - 2 years 5 months ago#24275by Lancia037
Lancia037 replied the topic: Finding balance to the toxic world of pain
I don't really have any answers to the questions that your post raised, I too am searching for the answers to these difficult questions. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated reading your post and parts of it resonated with me quite deeply.
There have been times were I haven't been able to tell the difference between reality and my own thoughts, and in the past it has led to some pretty sever anxiety attacks. I know it sounds a bit nuts, but when I'm in one of these moments, I kind of hear things like police sirens or car engines and my mind goes off on a bit of a tangent, and by the end of it I'm quite paranoid. It's led to some pretty awkward and difficult situations with friends, were I have spent hours in silence or accused them of things that were all in my own head. I've learnt to identify these moments now, and they don't happen as often, but when they do, I know it's not real. I can laugh about it now and even find it amusing, but in the past it has been quite scary. Strangely in these moments, I become much more creative than usual, and indulging in that creativity has helped remove some of the anxiety I experience.
The balance we strike with others can be so difficult. I have often struggled with knowing how much i should open up, and I think we all experience it. Just recently I told my mum that I haven't felt the sensation of joy in quite a long time, and that I think I could deal with the pain better if only I could just find a way to feel happiness every now and again. It upset her so much and brought her to tears, and afterwards I felt quite bad because I gave her more of my pain to deal with.
I now tell my friends that I'm doing pretty good, that I'm looking for a job, things are looking up and that the pain is nothing that I can't deal with. It takes a lot of energy to be upbeat about my situation, and I put in a lot of effort for others, but on the outside I can still come across as being really disinterested.
I try my best to act OK so I don't make others feel bad, but sometimes I have nothing left in the tank. I'm 29, all my mates are starting families, starting business, making good incomes and buying houses. I had everything in my life falling into place, then all of a sudden I got injured, purely because I was following a hobby. That hobby now means very little to me, it was nothing more than a short phase in my life, yet now I need to deal with the consequences every day.
I used to be a pretty manly guy, I grew up on a farm and I loved hard work and being physically strong, now I don't do much physical work at all. I'm stuck with no job and very little money, and I rely on others to help put food in the fridge and help with the bills. It's hard not to feel down.
It's the challenge we all face. It's hard not to be depressed when you suffer CP and everything else that goes along with it, and It's the people really close to us that we hurt the most when we can't hide what we are really going through. Another catch-22 in a long line of catch- 22s!
My new challenge is to try my hardest to be ok, and the small kick I get out of it, is that despite appearances, I think I'm actually a lot stronger now than I was before.
Anyway, I'm sorry for blabbing on. I don't really have any answers, but the balance is becoming slightly easier for me over time.
Collins replied the topic: Finding balance to the toxic world of pain
Appreciate your response because at the very least, I feel I am not alone and that is some pretty powerful medicine all by itself.
Given I have been through almost every induced psychological disorder means I am now a complete lunatic X 10 and so nothing sounds nuts to me. (haha)
The good news is that you still have friends!
Unfortunately I have no friends because C-PTSD means that I will inadvertently push them away without even knowing why (things are a little more complicated and confusing with C-PTSD). The only friends I have are some virtual ones and I have to keep contact to a minimum to avoid making stupid and idiotic mistakes that I am not even aware of making – LOL
I too had everything including lots of money, fantastic jobs, respected ranking positions, numerous medals, many hard to achieve awards/ commendations and even a fantastic intelligent and insightful brain but since the injury I have lost my land / my house / my jobs / my friends and am now on the verge of losing my family, my sanity and what’s left of my intelligence, so I can relate to the death of my former self, my former sanity and my former life.
You did help me (obviously more than you think) by providing me with one important hidden key towards keeping the balance of dealing with toxic world pain, so – thanks Nick